༒︎ ⋆｡˚ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 ☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩
-------------------------------------------
07.07.2026
i want to be my own person. not chinese, not american, not japanese, just shu hua. why in music we can strip away identity? we dont think about german music when we think about Beethoven. But in art the identity needs to be penetrated in. It's always taught in school and mentioned on exhibition brosures. It’s a weak label that seems to explain the work.
-------------------------------------------
07.06.2026
Being curious about someone is you knocking on their door asking for permission to entry; being curious about the world is you fall in love with the world. Curiosity is a capacity to love.
-------------------------------------------
07.01.2026
*meanginglessness is a meaning itself*
The reason to live, we self sabotage and attract trauma to ourselves, is our way to feel alive. Like the vampies say, those zombies. True, there are many zombies. To live million lives in one life time, to live outside time, to give up on finding meaning is a homecoming.
Our heart doesn’t shrink, it only expands after breaking and healing. Muscles entangling with memories and gratitude. We are all survivors of our own doings. There’s no others excepts you standing inside mirrors, until you are ready to free yourself from the matrix.
Unconsciousness always come through in unknowning outlet until you see it truly, the outlet is important to get the water flowing, until then, it’s a dead pond, a stagnant pool festing bacterias. To save ourselves, is to create the outlets; to find the outlets is by observing yourself. I came across a boy that constantly needs to be seen, to be loved. That’s a void no one can fill. No one can love him if he can’t love himself.
The etymology of “human” is “earthling beings”, it’s humbling, not shrinking, is expanding. We are born not as humans, we were born as corpses, we live to become and to come alive.
Until then, everyone’s a walking dead.
-------------------------------------------
06.28.2026
*a gentle reminder*
“We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having physical experience.” No words I say can be better said than my algorithm. No thoughts of mine are original, I came across this saying online and I was like, ah I knew this, but I forgot!
-------------------------------------------
06.27.2026
This is my 4th earthquake in Tokyo. I was on the train back from a friend’s performace event in Enoshima. The whole train started beeping alerts with the shaking coming at the same time (honestly shouldn’t be called alert if it’s simultaneous). Minky and I panicked hugged each other. It was short but intense, no one in the train had any emotions, but I can see people started googling the news. I was really scared and my hands went numb again.
Minky told me it’s a horizontal one, but if it’s a vertical one, there would be a hole and everyone drops into the seams of the crack. It completely derailed my brain. I really miss him. But if I’m the only one existential, then love will be buried with me.
I didn’t think about my family, just as they didn’t text me or check in either. I tell myself they do love me, in their own way, but it’s been tiring and I’m done feeling guilty to not be a good kid. I wonder if that’s why my love is in deficit. Anways it’s my birthday soon, again, this time I will be alone because I pushed away the only person in the world that was always be there for me.
I’m starting to think if they are walking deads, or if I am. Emotions, are why we live.
-------------------------------------------
06.18.2026
I genuinly forgot abt this place. This yr I moved to Tokyo after 13yrs in NY. I find myself rootless, wondering around with bare feet, trying to find a safe place. I went thru hell. But I’ve come out of the other side. I found myself scared more than ever. I’m learning to face myself straight on. My insecurities and fear, my tendencies and defensive mechanisms. To the point where I forgot to breathe, and enjoy the now.
Tokyo is a great place to be alone. It’s a scary place to be alone, to be with your thoughts because there’s no other monsters in the world scarier than that. Every encounter turns into a spear aiming right at my weakest spot.
But I’m truly grateful, for all of the people I met. To the people I will cross paths in the future because they are waiting to see the next version of me. Every decision has led me here. Who am I? A nobody and everybody.
-------------------------------------------
10.01.2025
Time will tell? But truth is already there when it exists. Time can tell, because we are bad at telling. But things will happen because it happens, and it happened. So false is also real, dead and alive. Some people are walking dead, time puppets, hibernating until it hurts. When it hurts is when time starts.
-------------------------------------------
09.10.2025
I’m overly stimulated. Maybe in a good way. We will see.
-------------------------------------------
07.16.2025 *isolation breeds authenticity* - self actualization for real
i’ve had my longest isolation era since late last year, on and off few months. sleep by 10ish, wake up by 6ish, gulping down homemade cold brew tea, taking my vitamins. i was treating myself like a pet. as summer half way in, i felt realigned and recalibrated. with fingers constantly smelling like paint, a little awkward with rusty social skills. a total introvert exposed again.
it got me thinking about authenticity, what does it mean even, in this era when we consume so many personalities and inspirations chronically online. how do artist stay “real”, in late capitalism world and a recession. i was very delusionally authentic when i was a teen, I followed my curiosity and it led me to who i am. as life goes on as an upward spiral, now me entering 30s trying to find that teen angst again, savoring the rare pure joy of doing something while everyone is trying to commodify their hobbies. I’m so tired of the over commercialization and branding in this decade. we are branding ourselves into oblivion, with global warming, we are so toasted.
the reality is we are porous, that’s why isolation era breeds your true self, YOU and self concept without passive influence and consumptions. when the lights are off, the stars reveal. being isolated also means GUARD your attention, parental control your consumption. redirect every drop of energy outward back towards to self. i was burnt out last year, i was giving and giving and then i was hurt and sad. well, looking back i can confidently tell you that: fuck it, execute your free will and follow your body’s intuition, breathe and meditate, feed yourself food with Chi and wake up with full chest of gratitude and love. gatekeeping is scarcity mindset, but be generous only to your chosen fam. the world is a mess but our heart is sacred. open it, rip it, rewrite it and guard it, now do it again in a spiraling up.
-------------------------------------------
07.01.2025 *death of innocence, planting seeds*
This month I was alchemizing my energy to meet myself, a homecoming, to gather them all from everywhere I’ve left them, back towards me. What is it? What’s the end game? Everything now is ephemeral, it’s attractive and exhausting. Anything fun will be monetized and then dead. This year is the death of my innocence. My garden was destroyed, but after fire is renewal. Space is surrendered for new seeds and deeper roots.
Still in the longest isolation era I’ve ever hit, I’m feeling a sense of whole again. I thought a lot about me as a teen, listening to emo music falling asleep in dorm room, my obssession with cameras and film, try so hard to be “different”, but more so, me funneling all the energy on me until my first relationship. There’s an innocent ignorance that kept me real without needing alignment. Over the years I encountered voices that on one hand brought me positive changes, but the shadow casts when I also lost my own sense of self. This hiatus kept me in check, with myself. It recalibrates me so I can stay authentic. It’s never been this clear till now.
I know all along, my end game is to be happy. I said it whenever people ask me even at an professional setting. I know, to have good memories, loving, reciprocal relationships is part of my happiness, and I want to harness that; I also know having an eternal fire at heart that drives my castle moving, also brings me joy; Otherwise, eating well(food with Chi which I will elaborate another day), stay hydrated, keep body active, stay grounded mentally, is not preserving energy to burst at one point for me, it’s the stream that keeps me going. I do want to journal a clearer vision of my ultimate joy later lol.
-------------------------------------------
06.21.2025
the days before death, everyone waiting outside grandpa’s room, no more eating, no more talking. the waiting for the last breath, feels a lot like waiting for labor, the first breath of a new born, a perfect cycle and equilibrium.
-------------------------------------------
06.01.2025
Curating an image of mastery vs. Building a rooted practise
Coming from fine art major transitioned into the branding design world, what used to put me off was the dissonance of these two aspects, when the wrapping is shinier than the substance. It creates a sense of resentment being an introvert trying to win attention, without the fancy embelishment of words I often feel a lack of power, but everything is also fair.
At this day of age, time and integrity that requires to build a rooted practice, is equally necessary to build an image. Being an artist - more so - a successful artist is made even harder, you need to be multidisciplinary, well-rounded, team player, polymathic, basically a swiss army knife. However a view on perception and social image, I do believe there’s a way of preserving authenticity, even after a calculated branding. A true, honest curation and presentation only comes after a brutally honest self-evaluation, with that clarity following an optimistic manifestation. As an artist especially, always return to the practice, let the rest follows, as an extension, a window, and a revelation.
You have to be so utterly you, to be the you that you are becoming.
-------------------------------------------
05.25.2025 *baby you are so worldly.*
What is being spiritual? in this era. I’ve been thinking abt this for the longest time. For a while I thought it’s to connect, to a higher energy; to believe, in magic.
As in many life encounters, the opposite force brings out each other. I met people who turned out to be so secular and non-spiritual. I’ve realized the cognitive dissonance between us. That world feels realistic, self-referential, so deeply in the society yet so detached. In my mind, being spiritual also means openness, interconnection, and humility, coming from a decentering human worldview. So being face to face with the other world for me, was a bit disheartening - I encountered a door when I was expecting a window.
Secularism is not the issue for me, it’s specific and realistic. It’s when it calcifies into a kind of spiritual cynicism or a refusal to even have a slit of belief in the mysteries of existence, it can become just another dogma, an armor of ego. It can breed arrogance and dominion out of utilitarian.
(Hmm, I wonder if it’s just a left brain right brain switch, from worldly to spiritually. )
Having that said, my reaction is also a mirror of my individuation process, my growing sensitivity and the direction of a new sun I’m leaning towards. In any case of resistance, I have to tell myself to stay rooted. Like a tree: silent, strong, and utterly just myself.
Now what do I think of the meaning of being spiritual:
Is to surrender, to non-human, non intellectual; to just let it happen, to feel, to connect, to have fun, to believe, and if you know what i mean, to expand and infuse every act with a drop of love.
-------------------------------------------
04.05.2025
AI is making human more human.
Ghibli images are not just a visual formula, it’s a drawing style developed organically to tell a story, a story with a heart. No AI can replicate a Calcifer, nor Miyazaki’s mind. AI art is only going to drown the meaningless shit, and push artists to be more real, and tell more personal and sincere stories, or even just absurdity. NFTs are already killed unspokenly, no one misses it.
-------------------------------------------
04.01.25
十年磨一劍，藝術的路也是如此，只是磨的不是劍，是心、是眼睛。
-------------------------------------------
02.15.25
Everything serves the image. Concept, color, material, the way I choose to paint. Forget about what schools said, forget about what books say.
-------------------------------------------
01.31.25
Who is the observer?
Today, I started thinking about how I land on a vision of image. As an observer, did I just make the quantum collapsed in my reality? My observation and depiction of the “result” and conclusion changes and settled the reality. Both in Hegelian dialetics(opposite forces and dualities) and in Buddhism where the oneness beyond dualities, question the role of the observer. I would like to shift the role to “becoming” and unifying. I’d like to try to capture the state of “becoming” and “in flux”. Dissolving boundries, opening up space for fluidity, transformation and uncertainty.
-------------------------------------------
01.17.25
౨ৎ
感謝給予我力量的朋友，城市，來自不同時代的artists。做我愛做的事情並且能被人看到，已經是幸福。
-------------------------------------------
11.04.24
Intentions.
My fatal trait is asking for a pure, unadulterated actions, the unconditional love. That just kills me. Nothing, nobody, no actions, is altruistic. This secular world is a fuzz ball of words weaving with ego, hiding behind shiny embellishment of words.
Rip. My fresh love and hope for this chapter.
-------------------------------------------
08.19.24
I still cannot find a reason for having a baby. It’s not annoying to be reminded women has a clock. I just again and again, being reminded of my own mortality. (imo) People give birth because lives are so short. Purpose is not found, but youth can be relived through a new born. I used to complain about families, but now my angst is replaced by chuckles. The best feeling is when the sunset hit at the perfect angle through my living room wood blinds, my lover made me a warm latte with the frothy milk I like, and my dog is not bothered by delivery trucks driving by. Those feelings must be something to live for. God should know.
Anyways, I’m still planning to die around 60.
-------------------------------------------
08.06.24
前幾週三十歲了
過完生日的一週後，天天都在忙一些瑣事，沒有時間全身心的天天畫畫，偶爾上一週格外清閒，起了兩副大畫，心想著週末就能收尾，結果總是和油畫顏料賽跑。長大的意味就是，不停的減包袱，安排妥當身邊的一切。新的一歲真心的希望自己有餘裕。
-------------------------------------------
03.29.24
情感 果然還是都是主觀臆想的吧 見了面泡泡就會被戳破 閉著眼的愛還是美好 不如不見
-------------------------------------------
03.29.24
intention, distill to pure,
intuition, clear the path,
growing antenna reaching inwardly,
sentient beings.
-------------------------------------------
03.06.24
![]()
౨ৎ
昨天爸媽來了紐約，匆忙的接機後傍晚到家，心裡是晦澀的開心，怕喜形於色，就會丟失了蜜月期的甜蜜。真是奇怪，從小和父母的關係都是拉拉扯扯，莫名的會親近又莫名的疏遠，來紐約已經12年，太久沒有與父母親近，越長大越有負罪感，越有負罪感就越想獨立，但是這麼大了，誰又是真正的孤島呢，家庭的愛，朋友的愛，黏黏糊糊的愛情，一個不能少。
媽媽拉著我進了廁所，硬是在我的左手上抹上了護膚油，在我的尖叫聲中把這個玉鐲子卡了進去，兩道紫紅的印子。從來不戴手鐲的我一下子覺得拘謹，我笑道，我大手大腳，這麼小家碧玉的東西被我糟蹋了，不如賣了，媽媽嘖嘖嘖的走開了。第二天我戴上電子手錶，鐲子親親的敲擊著手錶，時不時會打在我的工作桌上，時刻提醒著我，這就是媽媽的愛。
-------------------------------------------
03.03.24
౨ৎ
今天週日是突發奇想的一天，早上起來的陽光很好，醒來後就從床上彈起來，決心要出門，不能辜負了太陽的照顧。在前一晚聊天的朋友對話下隨意的問了句，今天幹嘛，就達成了今天一同出門覓食的決定。洗了頭，拿了積灰一冬天的藏藍色風衣就輕裝上陣。
晚些時候又突發奇想去見了51j，晚上吃飯的路上竟然找到了迷你刀叉三件套，嘻嘻哈哈地等到了座位，吃完了之後就愉快的回了家。
果然我就是一顆，光合作用的大頭植物。
-------------------------------------------
𓉸 shh... dont tell
-------------------------------------------
07.07.2026
i want to be my own person. not chinese, not american, not japanese, just shu hua. why in music we can strip away identity? we dont think about german music when we think about Beethoven. But in art the identity needs to be penetrated in. It's always taught in school and mentioned on exhibition brosures. It’s a weak label that seems to explain the work.
-------------------------------------------
07.06.2026
Being curious about someone is you knocking on their door asking for permission to entry; being curious about the world is you fall in love with the world. Curiosity is a capacity to love.
-------------------------------------------
07.01.2026
*meanginglessness is a meaning itself*
The reason to live, we self sabotage and attract trauma to ourselves, is our way to feel alive. Like the vampies say, those zombies. True, there are many zombies. To live million lives in one life time, to live outside time, to give up on finding meaning is a homecoming.
Our heart doesn’t shrink, it only expands after breaking and healing. Muscles entangling with memories and gratitude. We are all survivors of our own doings. There’s no others excepts you standing inside mirrors, until you are ready to free yourself from the matrix.
Unconsciousness always come through in unknowning outlet until you see it truly, the outlet is important to get the water flowing, until then, it’s a dead pond, a stagnant pool festing bacterias. To save ourselves, is to create the outlets; to find the outlets is by observing yourself. I came across a boy that constantly needs to be seen, to be loved. That’s a void no one can fill. No one can love him if he can’t love himself.
The etymology of “human” is “earthling beings”, it’s humbling, not shrinking, is expanding. We are born not as humans, we were born as corpses, we live to become and to come alive.
Until then, everyone’s a walking dead.
-------------------------------------------
06.28.2026
*a gentle reminder*
“We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having physical experience.” No words I say can be better said than my algorithm. No thoughts of mine are original, I came across this saying online and I was like, ah I knew this, but I forgot!
-------------------------------------------
06.27.2026
This is my 4th earthquake in Tokyo. I was on the train back from a friend’s performace event in Enoshima. The whole train started beeping alerts with the shaking coming at the same time (honestly shouldn’t be called alert if it’s simultaneous). Minky and I panicked hugged each other. It was short but intense, no one in the train had any emotions, but I can see people started googling the news. I was really scared and my hands went numb again.
Minky told me it’s a horizontal one, but if it’s a vertical one, there would be a hole and everyone drops into the seams of the crack. It completely derailed my brain. I really miss him. But if I’m the only one existential, then love will be buried with me.
I didn’t think about my family, just as they didn’t text me or check in either. I tell myself they do love me, in their own way, but it’s been tiring and I’m done feeling guilty to not be a good kid. I wonder if that’s why my love is in deficit. Anways it’s my birthday soon, again, this time I will be alone because I pushed away the only person in the world that was always be there for me.
I’m starting to think if they are walking deads, or if I am. Emotions, are why we live.
-------------------------------------------
06.18.2026
I genuinly forgot abt this place. This yr I moved to Tokyo after 13yrs in NY. I find myself rootless, wondering around with bare feet, trying to find a safe place. I went thru hell. But I’ve come out of the other side. I found myself scared more than ever. I’m learning to face myself straight on. My insecurities and fear, my tendencies and defensive mechanisms. To the point where I forgot to breathe, and enjoy the now.
Tokyo is a great place to be alone. It’s a scary place to be alone, to be with your thoughts because there’s no other monsters in the world scarier than that. Every encounter turns into a spear aiming right at my weakest spot.
But I’m truly grateful, for all of the people I met. To the people I will cross paths in the future because they are waiting to see the next version of me. Every decision has led me here. Who am I? A nobody and everybody.
-------------------------------------------
10.01.2025
Time will tell? But truth is already there when it exists. Time can tell, because we are bad at telling. But things will happen because it happens, and it happened. So false is also real, dead and alive. Some people are walking dead, time puppets, hibernating until it hurts. When it hurts is when time starts.
-------------------------------------------
09.10.2025
I’m overly stimulated. Maybe in a good way. We will see.
-------------------------------------------
07.16.2025 *isolation breeds authenticity* - self actualization for real
i’ve had my longest isolation era since late last year, on and off few months. sleep by 10ish, wake up by 6ish, gulping down homemade cold brew tea, taking my vitamins. i was treating myself like a pet. as summer half way in, i felt realigned and recalibrated. with fingers constantly smelling like paint, a little awkward with rusty social skills. a total introvert exposed again.
it got me thinking about authenticity, what does it mean even, in this era when we consume so many personalities and inspirations chronically online. how do artist stay “real”, in late capitalism world and a recession. i was very delusionally authentic when i was a teen, I followed my curiosity and it led me to who i am. as life goes on as an upward spiral, now me entering 30s trying to find that teen angst again, savoring the rare pure joy of doing something while everyone is trying to commodify their hobbies. I’m so tired of the over commercialization and branding in this decade. we are branding ourselves into oblivion, with global warming, we are so toasted.
the reality is we are porous, that’s why isolation era breeds your true self, YOU and self concept without passive influence and consumptions. when the lights are off, the stars reveal. being isolated also means GUARD your attention, parental control your consumption. redirect every drop of energy outward back towards to self. i was burnt out last year, i was giving and giving and then i was hurt and sad. well, looking back i can confidently tell you that: fuck it, execute your free will and follow your body’s intuition, breathe and meditate, feed yourself food with Chi and wake up with full chest of gratitude and love. gatekeeping is scarcity mindset, but be generous only to your chosen fam. the world is a mess but our heart is sacred. open it, rip it, rewrite it and guard it, now do it again in a spiraling up.
-------------------------------------------
07.01.2025 *death of innocence, planting seeds*
This month I was alchemizing my energy to meet myself, a homecoming, to gather them all from everywhere I’ve left them, back towards me. What is it? What’s the end game? Everything now is ephemeral, it’s attractive and exhausting. Anything fun will be monetized and then dead. This year is the death of my innocence. My garden was destroyed, but after fire is renewal. Space is surrendered for new seeds and deeper roots.
Still in the longest isolation era I’ve ever hit, I’m feeling a sense of whole again. I thought a lot about me as a teen, listening to emo music falling asleep in dorm room, my obssession with cameras and film, try so hard to be “different”, but more so, me funneling all the energy on me until my first relationship. There’s an innocent ignorance that kept me real without needing alignment. Over the years I encountered voices that on one hand brought me positive changes, but the shadow casts when I also lost my own sense of self. This hiatus kept me in check, with myself. It recalibrates me so I can stay authentic. It’s never been this clear till now.
I know all along, my end game is to be happy. I said it whenever people ask me even at an professional setting. I know, to have good memories, loving, reciprocal relationships is part of my happiness, and I want to harness that; I also know having an eternal fire at heart that drives my castle moving, also brings me joy; Otherwise, eating well(food with Chi which I will elaborate another day), stay hydrated, keep body active, stay grounded mentally, is not preserving energy to burst at one point for me, it’s the stream that keeps me going. I do want to journal a clearer vision of my ultimate joy later lol.
-------------------------------------------
06.21.2025
the days before death, everyone waiting outside grandpa’s room, no more eating, no more talking. the waiting for the last breath, feels a lot like waiting for labor, the first breath of a new born, a perfect cycle and equilibrium.
-------------------------------------------
06.01.2025
Curating an image of mastery vs. Building a rooted practise
Coming from fine art major transitioned into the branding design world, what used to put me off was the dissonance of these two aspects, when the wrapping is shinier than the substance. It creates a sense of resentment being an introvert trying to win attention, without the fancy embelishment of words I often feel a lack of power, but everything is also fair.
At this day of age, time and integrity that requires to build a rooted practice, is equally necessary to build an image. Being an artist - more so - a successful artist is made even harder, you need to be multidisciplinary, well-rounded, team player, polymathic, basically a swiss army knife. However a view on perception and social image, I do believe there’s a way of preserving authenticity, even after a calculated branding. A true, honest curation and presentation only comes after a brutally honest self-evaluation, with that clarity following an optimistic manifestation. As an artist especially, always return to the practice, let the rest follows, as an extension, a window, and a revelation.
You have to be so utterly you, to be the you that you are becoming.
-------------------------------------------
05.25.2025 *baby you are so worldly.*
What is being spiritual? in this era. I’ve been thinking abt this for the longest time. For a while I thought it’s to connect, to a higher energy; to believe, in magic.
As in many life encounters, the opposite force brings out each other. I met people who turned out to be so secular and non-spiritual. I’ve realized the cognitive dissonance between us. That world feels realistic, self-referential, so deeply in the society yet so detached. In my mind, being spiritual also means openness, interconnection, and humility, coming from a decentering human worldview. So being face to face with the other world for me, was a bit disheartening - I encountered a door when I was expecting a window.
Secularism is not the issue for me, it’s specific and realistic. It’s when it calcifies into a kind of spiritual cynicism or a refusal to even have a slit of belief in the mysteries of existence, it can become just another dogma, an armor of ego. It can breed arrogance and dominion out of utilitarian.
(Hmm, I wonder if it’s just a left brain right brain switch, from worldly to spiritually. )
Having that said, my reaction is also a mirror of my individuation process, my growing sensitivity and the direction of a new sun I’m leaning towards. In any case of resistance, I have to tell myself to stay rooted. Like a tree: silent, strong, and utterly just myself.
Now what do I think of the meaning of being spiritual:
Is to surrender, to non-human, non intellectual; to just let it happen, to feel, to connect, to have fun, to believe, and if you know what i mean, to expand and infuse every act with a drop of love.
-------------------------------------------
04.05.2025
AI is making human more human.
Ghibli images are not just a visual formula, it’s a drawing style developed organically to tell a story, a story with a heart. No AI can replicate a Calcifer, nor Miyazaki’s mind. AI art is only going to drown the meaningless shit, and push artists to be more real, and tell more personal and sincere stories, or even just absurdity. NFTs are already killed unspokenly, no one misses it.
-------------------------------------------
04.01.25
十年磨一劍，藝術的路也是如此，只是磨的不是劍，是心、是眼睛。
-------------------------------------------
02.15.25
Everything serves the image. Concept, color, material, the way I choose to paint. Forget about what schools said, forget about what books say.
-------------------------------------------
01.31.25
Who is the observer?
Today, I started thinking about how I land on a vision of image. As an observer, did I just make the quantum collapsed in my reality? My observation and depiction of the “result” and conclusion changes and settled the reality. Both in Hegelian dialetics(opposite forces and dualities) and in Buddhism where the oneness beyond dualities, question the role of the observer. I would like to shift the role to “becoming” and unifying. I’d like to try to capture the state of “becoming” and “in flux”. Dissolving boundries, opening up space for fluidity, transformation and uncertainty.
-------------------------------------------
01.17.25
౨ৎ
感謝給予我力量的朋友，城市，來自不同時代的artists。做我愛做的事情並且能被人看到，已經是幸福。
-------------------------------------------
11.04.24
Intentions.
My fatal trait is asking for a pure, unadulterated actions, the unconditional love. That just kills me. Nothing, nobody, no actions, is altruistic. This secular world is a fuzz ball of words weaving with ego, hiding behind shiny embellishment of words.
Rip. My fresh love and hope for this chapter.
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08.19.24
I still cannot find a reason for having a baby. It’s not annoying to be reminded women has a clock. I just again and again, being reminded of my own mortality. (imo) People give birth because lives are so short. Purpose is not found, but youth can be relived through a new born. I used to complain about families, but now my angst is replaced by chuckles. The best feeling is when the sunset hit at the perfect angle through my living room wood blinds, my lover made me a warm latte with the frothy milk I like, and my dog is not bothered by delivery trucks driving by. Those feelings must be something to live for. God should know.
Anyways, I’m still planning to die around 60.
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08.06.24
前幾週三十歲了
過完生日的一週後，天天都在忙一些瑣事，沒有時間全身心的天天畫畫，偶爾上一週格外清閒，起了兩副大畫，心想著週末就能收尾，結果總是和油畫顏料賽跑。長大的意味就是，不停的減包袱，安排妥當身邊的一切。新的一歲真心的希望自己有餘裕。
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03.29.24
情感 果然還是都是主觀臆想的吧 見了面泡泡就會被戳破 閉著眼的愛還是美好 不如不見
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03.29.24
intention, distill to pure,
intuition, clear the path,
growing antenna reaching inwardly,
sentient beings.
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03.06.24
౨ৎ
昨天爸媽來了紐約，匆忙的接機後傍晚到家，心裡是晦澀的開心，怕喜形於色，就會丟失了蜜月期的甜蜜。真是奇怪，從小和父母的關係都是拉拉扯扯，莫名的會親近又莫名的疏遠，來紐約已經12年，太久沒有與父母親近，越長大越有負罪感，越有負罪感就越想獨立，但是這麼大了，誰又是真正的孤島呢，家庭的愛，朋友的愛，黏黏糊糊的愛情，一個不能少。
媽媽拉著我進了廁所，硬是在我的左手上抹上了護膚油，在我的尖叫聲中把這個玉鐲子卡了進去，兩道紫紅的印子。從來不戴手鐲的我一下子覺得拘謹，我笑道，我大手大腳，這麼小家碧玉的東西被我糟蹋了，不如賣了，媽媽嘖嘖嘖的走開了。第二天我戴上電子手錶，鐲子親親的敲擊著手錶，時不時會打在我的工作桌上，時刻提醒著我，這就是媽媽的愛。
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03.03.24
౨ৎ
今天週日是突發奇想的一天，早上起來的陽光很好，醒來後就從床上彈起來，決心要出門，不能辜負了太陽的照顧。在前一晚聊天的朋友對話下隨意的問了句，今天幹嘛，就達成了今天一同出門覓食的決定。洗了頭，拿了積灰一冬天的藏藍色風衣就輕裝上陣。
晚些時候又突發奇想去見了51j，晚上吃飯的路上竟然找到了迷你刀叉三件套，嘻嘻哈哈地等到了座位，吃完了之後就愉快的回了家。
果然我就是一顆，光合作用的大頭植物。
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𓉸 shh... dont tell