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11.04.24
Intentions.
My fatal trait is asking for a pure, unadulterated actions, the unconditional lvoe. That just kills me. Nothing, nobody, no actions, is altruistic. This secular world is a fuzz ball of words weaving with ego, hiding behind shiny embellishment of words.
Rip. My fresh love and hope for this chapter.
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08.19.24
I still cannot find a reason for having a baby. It’s not annoying to be reminded women has a clock. I just again and again, being reminded of my own mortality. (imo) People give birth because lives are so short. Purpose is not found, but youth can be relived through a new born. I used to complain about families, but now my angst is replaced by chuckles. The best feeling is when the sunset hit at the perfect angle through my living room wood blinds, my lover made me a warm latte with the frothy milk I like, and my dog is not bothered by delivery trucks driving by. Those feelings must be something to live for. God should know.
Anyways, I’m still planning to die around 60.
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08.06.24
前幾週三十歲了
過完生日的一週後，天天都在忙一些瑣事，沒有時間全身心的天天畫畫，偶爾上一週格外清閒，起了兩副大畫，心想著週末就能收尾，結果總是和油畫顏料賽跑。長大的意味就是，不停的減包袱，安排妥當身邊的一切。新的一歲真心的希望自己有餘裕。
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03.29.24
情感 果然還是都是主觀臆想的吧 見了面泡泡就會被戳破 閉著眼的愛還是美好 不如不見
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03.29.24
intention, distill to pure,
intuition, clear the path,
growing antenna reaching inwardly,
sentient beings.
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03.07.24
おっはー
今日は長い日です。午後、両親が車でわたしたちのうちに来ました。彼らは上海料理を食べで、家のことに喋りました。それから、ご飯にボルシチを自分で作りで、彼らは早い寝ました。今日本語の勉強が終わりました、幸せな気分です。
そろそろシャワーで 寝ますよ
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03.06.24
౨ৎ
昨天爸媽來了紐約，匆忙的接機後傍晚到家，心裡是晦澀的開心，怕喜形於色，就會丟失了蜜月期的甜蜜。真是奇怪，從小和父母的關係都是拉拉扯扯，莫名的會親近又莫名的疏遠，來紐約已經12年，太久沒有與父母親近，越長大越有負罪感，越有負罪感就越想獨立，但是這麼大了，誰又是真正的孤島呢，家庭的愛，朋友的愛，黏黏糊糊的愛情，一個不能少。
媽媽拉著我進了廁所，硬是在我的左手上抹上了護膚油，在我的尖叫聲中把這個玉鐲子卡了進去，兩道紫紅的印子。從來不戴手鐲的我一下子覺得拘謹，我笑道，我大手大腳，這麼小家碧玉的東西被我糟蹋了，不如賣了，媽媽嘖嘖嘖的走開了。第二天我戴上電子手錶，鐲子親親的敲擊著手錶，時不時會打在我的工作桌上，時刻提醒著我，這就是媽媽的愛。
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03.03.24
౨ৎ
今天週日是突發奇想的一天，早上起來的陽光很好，醒來後就從床上彈起來，決心要出門，不能辜負了太陽的照顧。在前一晚聊天的朋友對話下隨意的問了句，今天幹嘛，就達成了今天一同出門覓食的決定。洗了頭，拿了積灰一冬天的藏藍色風衣就輕裝上陣。
晚些時候又突發奇想去見了51j，晚上吃飯的路上竟然找到了迷你刀叉三件套，嘻嘻哈哈地等到了座位，吃完了之後就愉快的回了家。
果然我就是一顆，光合作用的大頭植物。
today is a serendipity day, after a whole week of gloom, woke up with the brightest sun. i stood up and promised the sun im returning the gratitude with an outing. i texted under a convo with Sebit last night, whatchu doing, and we came to one that we must go out today. showered and dried hair, dusted off my fav navy trench, stepped into a white flat and rushed out.
meeting 51j for dinner spontaneously, found a set of mini cutlery on the street, with silly talks and jokes, got sit in kong sihk tong, ate, and left home with gratitude.
im just a big head plant.
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𓉸ྀི shh... dont tell